Yesterday I wrote a letter to my mum, and I left it by the kettle. I then sent her a text so that she knew where to look for it, though she didn't know what it was about.

When I got home I walked in and fussed over the dog, then went through to mum and told her about the dieticians call (They're putting me on a strict GI/Diabetics diet in the hope to sort out my fainting etc without pills)

Then asked her whether she wanted a cup of tea.

My heart was pounding, I could hardly look her in the eye... thankfully having a dog that is happy to see you helps with that issue.

I was making the afore mentioned hot beverage when she came through to the kitchen and said: "So you want to know about your dad, there's not much to tell."

The Mr P. He doesn't even know about me.

Mum had two partners within that time. One she didn't really like Mr P, and broke it off after one time, and one she did like but who seemed to be a woman's man so after one time with him she distanced herself, Mr G. This was all within a few weeks and she didn't have any periods then to give her some insight into time passing. In fact she thought she was infertile.

She thought it was Mr G when she worked back in her head, and ended up doing  paternity test when he demanded one, even though he wasn't part of the life or on the birth certificate. This came back negative. Cue a lot of embarressment and a lot of people being bitchy towards mum though she never asked him for anything at all, she didn't think he'd be able to do it anyway. Mr G stood up for her though...

She doesn't remember Mr P very well, remembers just about where he lived, he was an 18 year old, she was 21. She'd stopped seeing him as she didn't like him, and when she realised he was the father after I was born and after the paternity test, she thought that it was best not to tell him and she didn't think he had the best background. Her reasoning was that having a father that was inconsistant would be worse than one not there at all.

And to be honest I am happy, I'm very very loved.

But now what do I do? Do I try to contact him? Do I find him but not contact him, just to have a sneaky peak at where 23 of my chromosomes came from? Won't it be a kick in the face for him to find out he has an adult offspring he was none the wiser of? 

Seems to be getting easier but more complex in one fell swoop!

Alexa
xxx