I spoke to my aunt last night, and though she wouldn't tell me who my dad was or the circumstances around it -as she's been sworn to secrecy-, she did basically say that I should prepare myself for it.

Now that scared me. The way she was talking about it made me think, do I even want to know? My aunt told me it would be best to write mum a letter and be straight with what I want etc, and therefore give her time to collect herself and make mum know I'm not judging her.

I keep thinking, I've gone these 20 years without knowing, is there any reason to know now? My aunt also said something about "telling the child is all about ensuring the child is well balanced and sometimes them knowing can effect their perception etc", which makes me wonder, am I about to hear something that is going to hurt me in anyway? Maybe I'm a pessimist but what if it turns out to be something I really don't want to know? But part of me really wants to know.... It's not often people don't know who their dad is, usually they're dead, or just didn't want anything to do with them...... This is much different.

Aunt also said that I should ensure I keep mum's confidence, and I shouldn't tell anyone, not even my boyfriend. That worries me more! Surely.... Oh I don't know what to think. How bad is it going to be?

Tonight mum's partner isn't in, so I could do it tonight. Yet when I think of doing it I get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and I worry so badly.

Do I want to know who my dad is? Will it help me or make everything worse? Will I hurt my mum? She will be thinking of a time she obviously wants to forget....

Alexa
xxx