Slightly Insane - because everyone is....

Yesterday I wrote a letter to my mum, and I left it by the kettle. I then sent her a text so that she knew where to look for it, though she didn't know what it was about.

When I got home I walked in and fussed over the dog, then went through to mum and told her about the dieticians call (They're putting me on a strict GI/Diabetics diet in the hope to sort out my fainting etc without pills)

Then asked her whether she wanted a cup of tea.

My heart was pounding, I could hardly look her in the eye... thankfully having a dog that is happy to see you helps with that issue.

I was making the afore mentioned hot beverage when she came through to the kitchen and said: "So you want to know about your dad, there's not much to tell."

The Mr P. He doesn't even know about me.

Mum had two partners within that time. One she didn't really like Mr P, and broke it off after one time, and one she did like but who seemed to be a woman's man so after one time with him she distanced herself, Mr G. This was all within a few weeks and she didn't have any periods then to give her some insight into time passing. In fact she thought she was infertile.

She thought it was Mr G when she worked back in her head, and ended up doing  paternity test when he demanded one, even though he wasn't part of the life or on the birth certificate. This came back negative. Cue a lot of embarressment and a lot of people being bitchy towards mum though she never asked him for anything at all, she didn't think he'd be able to do it anyway. Mr G stood up for her though...

She doesn't remember Mr P very well, remembers just about where he lived, he was an 18 year old, she was 21. She'd stopped seeing him as she didn't like him, and when she realised he was the father after I was born and after the paternity test, she thought that it was best not to tell him and she didn't think he had the best background. Her reasoning was that having a father that was inconsistant would be worse than one not there at all.

And to be honest I am happy, I'm very very loved.

But now what do I do? Do I try to contact him? Do I find him but not contact him, just to have a sneaky peak at where 23 of my chromosomes came from? Won't it be a kick in the face for him to find out he has an adult offspring he was none the wiser of? 

Seems to be getting easier but more complex in one fell swoop!

Alexa
xxx 

I wrote the letter to mum about my dad, and that I wanted to know who he was and the cirucmstances around it.

I cried as I wrote it. I didn't realise that it was so hard for me.

I've left the note by the kettle and I've sent her a text so that when she gets home it'll be there. I'll be at my evening job, it's going to be nerve wracking when I get back in at 7.

I kinda want to go and move it. My stomach is all twisted and I'm scared.

Do I want to know? Am I about to really hurt her feelings?

I've made the first move, all I can do now is wait!

Alexa
xxx

I spoke to my aunt last night, and though she wouldn't tell me who my dad was or the circumstances around it -as she's been sworn to secrecy-, she did basically say that I should prepare myself for it.

Now that scared me. The way she was talking about it made me think, do I even want to know? My aunt told me it would be best to write mum a letter and be straight with what I want etc, and therefore give her time to collect herself and make mum know I'm not judging her.

I keep thinking, I've gone these 20 years without knowing, is there any reason to know now? My aunt also said something about "telling the child is all about ensuring the child is well balanced and sometimes them knowing can effect their perception etc", which makes me wonder, am I about to hear something that is going to hurt me in anyway? Maybe I'm a pessimist but what if it turns out to be something I really don't want to know? But part of me really wants to know.... It's not often people don't know who their dad is, usually they're dead, or just didn't want anything to do with them...... This is much different.

Aunt also said that I should ensure I keep mum's confidence, and I shouldn't tell anyone, not even my boyfriend. That worries me more! Surely.... Oh I don't know what to think. How bad is it going to be?

Tonight mum's partner isn't in, so I could do it tonight. Yet when I think of doing it I get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and I worry so badly.

Do I want to know who my dad is? Will it help me or make everything worse? Will I hurt my mum? She will be thinking of a time she obviously wants to forget....

Alexa
xxx