Slightly Insane - because everyone is....

I've never known my father.
I don't even know his name.
I have NEVER spoken to my mum about it.

I'm 20 years old
He may be dead, he may be alive. I'm not sure I even want to meet him.
I would just like to know who he is, or at least the story of my conception

I know:
My mum had a paternity test done for someone she'd seen:
It was negative
My mum didn't find out she was pregnant until she was 4 months gone
(due to just comming off the pill and her periods not returning)
She would have had an abortion, the GP said she couldn't
My cousin mentioned a 'Mick' lodger person he remembers.

Now I need to decide, do I ask my mum? I'm scared I may hurt her, as it can't have been a good time for her, 22, pregnant, failed paternity test, child she didn't want, post natal depression. Yet she's a very strong and determined person and I'm worried she'll be angry too!

What do I do?

Alexa
xxx

....and peeing with the toilet door open.

Don't you just love walking around the house naked and being able to be free with yourself and your surroundings. Especially wen it's boiling hot outside and it's best to be in no clothes.

Just remember not to walk infront of the windows in your nudey pants.... A quick drop to your knees and crawl to cover has to be done then =P (yes I have had to do that this morning)

Ouside again me thinks to enjoy the sun

Hope you're enjoying your day =)

Alexa
xxx

TEN: Things you wish you could say to ten people right now:

1. I love you more than you know
2.Please wash yourself and your clothes more often.
3.Take responsibilty for your actions more often.
4.You have a bloody martyr complex. Inferiority complex with a supereriority complex about it.
5. I love you, but you need to respond much more
6. There is more to life than your boyfriend. Your crying is just a show.
7.You annoy me when you're so bullysome
8.I hope that you're proud of me
9.I miss you so terribly. I hope there is an afterlife.
10. Sometimes I think I'm still in love with you.

NINE things about yourself:

1. I get annoying bouts of acid reflux
2. I'm size 6 and have cellulite.
3. I like crap tv
4. I'm scared that people are going to realise I'm not as intelligent as I may seem
5. I put 'lol 'way too much for my higher lexical register mind, but the more lax, youthful mind relishes it
6. I love animals, but I worry I'm to lazy to give them the love they require
7. I can't keep many secrets from my boyfriend. Only my own. People see us as a duo so that's ok cause he can keep secrets.
8. Sometimes I look really crap. I have to try at looking good.
9. I hate people who have children just so they don't have to work and get a council flat. ARGH!!!!

EIGHT ways to win your heart:

1. Tell me you love me
2. Write me a letter
3. Be spontaneously romantic
4. Text me randomly to tell me you miss/love/want me
5. Pick a song/s that remind you of me and tell me
6. Like singing/listening to me singing (it'll happen in the car)
7. Care for me when I'm unwell
8. Always be as cheerful as possible

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:

1. My future (with him)
2. Love
3. Music
4. Family
5. Friends
6. Uni
7. How I can be good enough for him

SIX things you do before you go to bed:

1. Talk to people
2. Check phone
3. Text people
4. Make my bed. (I like to get into a tidy bed)
5. Check e-mail/internet etc
6. Think

FIVE people who mean a lot.

1. My other half
2. My mum
3. Family (people all at same level)
4. Cr
5. Fs

FOUR things you’re wearing right now.

1 Bra
2.Thong
3. strap top 4. PJ shorts

THREE songs that currently describe your life.

1. Every time we touch - Cascada
2. Sincerely me - New found glory
3 La Roux - Going in for the kill

TWO things you want to do before you die:

1. Marry the man I love
2. Have his children/ be a family

ONE most important thing in your life:

1. Love

When I die any part of my body that is salvagable should be used to help save the life of someone else; I won't be needing it anymore.

I want to help whilst alive too, be an altruist.... I really want to donate blood. One big, big problem though:
 Me + My blood = Fainting.

Doesn't sound to bad but I hate the feeling of the world spinning, tunnel vision, sever nausea and the inevitable losing of consciousness. If you've never fainted - and I mean you were upright then wake up on the floor, can't remember the inbetweeny stages fainting - then I wish I was you. Why am I a wussy? I could quite happily -ok not happily, but you understand my meaning - watch you get bludgeoned to death, guts, gore and blood everywhere. Fine-with-me.

Cut my leg shaving though? Oooooo now that is a totally differen kettle of fish and means I'm most likely going to lie down or fall down.... the former is prefered. My boyfriend has had to help me from the shower a few times....Very attractive for him =S

Today I had more blood taken. I've been having some issue with sleeping if I eat more than a sandwich, and generally not feeling very well after eating. The nice NHS people are checking my digestive enzymes, thyroid function etc thus I had a 'Nil By Mouth' thus no food or drink 12 hours.... Really easy unless you're at a friend's birthday where they're eating pub food, cake and drinking alcohol.....

I also had a really sore throat yesterday, and woke up in the night and went to drink water! When I realised what I was doing I had to run to the toilet and spit it out as it could have affected the results.

Anyway, woke up at 3am. (I'd fallen asleep at 1am) Sods law, I couldn't sleep thus read until 8am when my ex Leo came to pick me up. We went to the hospital.... Now I don't know if they're taking the royal piss but the blood testing department was ages away. I was thinking "I haven't eaten or drank anything in 13 hours... I don't want to continue walking to get there.... and I sure as hell don't want to walk all the way back either after you steal my blood which I created thank you very much!"

Anyhoo, got there, picked up my number and waited for 10 mins. When they called my number the younger lady was like "ooo I haven't done one of these and this requires the bigger syringe so I'll just talk to my supervisor" I was like ARGH, MORE blood than normal?

But finally the nice lady came in. She was fabulous, it hardly hurt and she was really nice. The poor first lady had to run up and down stairs as the blood had to be put in ice straight away and then taken straight to the testing labs. I felt so guilty for her! She tried chatting to me, but I was quite happy with my head lolling to the side, drifting in and out of consciousness and feeling sick lol.

When I'd done my fair share of fainting, I held on my ex and we went home. I was home by 10. Not too shoddy for a morning really. I was really fainty in his car and had my head on his shoulder when he was driving. I hope he didn't get the wrong impression.

This means no more blood tests for a little while. I'm so glad. I was sat in the chair and wanted to run. I heard a younger girl crying, but she didn't faint (lucky so and so)

Ah well, it's over with now. I can get on with life =)

Alexa
xx

Blah. I should go and eat, but there isn't much food in the house and I don't really feel like eating.

Yet I have eaten all of nothing since rising from my bed at an early 11am. No education is fun for sleeping.

Best go and raid the cupboards before I go to work at 5, as otherwise I'll have a headache, be fainty and spend the time looking like I'm out of it. I will be out of it.... though not due to recreational drugs.

There's nothing I fancy eating. God damn the respiration of food substrates to create the ATP needed for doing sodding anything.
I like the sun.... Why can't I be an autotroph? Photosynthesis is so much easier, creat eenergy whilst sunbathing, what can be better?....

Does A cup of tea count as food?

Alexa

xxx

I have a friend Rach, who I met a few years ago at college who at first professed herself to be Bisexual - She had a boyfriend at the time.

Then she's professed herself to be Lesbian. She's dated boys but couldn't love them, or feel as sexually attracted to them but liked G-spot penetration- She had a girlfriend for a while.

Now from being a complete Lesbian she started seeing my first ever boyfriend Matt, after I introduced them. Though he really liked her, and I warned her to be careful, she just wanted to be wanted and to have sex. Unfortunately he couldn't quite get erect enough for sex (same problem occurred a few times when I was seeing him 3 years ago when he messed me around....)

She ended up hurting him, as she told me she'd told him straight it was a fling, but looking at the texts and e-mails she'd sent him they were not obvious:

They said "I'm not ready for full committment with you yet as I've just got out of a relationship and don't want to feel trapped and hurt you, but I really enjoy being with you and really like you, and I think we'd have what it takes i the future..."

Yeah, really sounds like she was only wanting a fling.

Maybe she was doing in consciously to feel wanted, maybe unconsciously, but behind it all is her need to be wanted and loved.

Then she started seeing another girl behind his back and then became her girlfriend. Matt was very hurt. It didn't last very long with this girl. Matt kept looking into anything Rach said to see if there was anything there. I think he still does. She was quite mean with him at the end. I didn't like that side of her.

Now she's with one of her best friends, Lee. Goodness I just don't know hot to keep up with her. In the past year and a half she's been with or 'been in love with' 7 people at least of either gender.

I know she's younger, she's cheated on every partner she's had, and she dismisses people with a wave of her hand and a goodbye and doesn't seem to understand their pain and just finds it annoying. I find it annoying, but its her attitude I find annoying not theirs.

I still love her, as most people do, but it's just hard to go out and have every guy falling at her feet who she then breaks the hearts of. I'm not jealous of the guys falling for her, that's fine, I have my boyfriend and I wouldn't want it anyother way.

Maybe I see in her what I used to be when much younger. Maybe thats why I dislike it so much as I disliked what I was back then. Yet I was never as bad as her. Maybe I'm just a hypocrit.

We all know as soon as she goes to Uni Lee will be forgotten.....

Alexa
xxx

Yesterday my ex leo came over. We chatted for a while. He took me to McDonalds - though I know it's against my low sugar diet - and then we went for a walk with the dog.
It was really suprising actually as when we were together he hated walking the dog with me. I don't know if he now cares, or if he's trying to make himself look better than before. Maybe he's just changed. But we walked the dog for about 2 hours and chatted all the while.

It was realy nice to talk about anything from our favourite bands, to deep feelings etc. I miss him as a friend, so it's nice that we've finally got to a stage after 2 years that we can be close as friends,and I don't feel like he's trying to come onto me at al or emotionally black mail me.

He's currently heartbroken over a girl he likes who is a bit flighty to put a polite word to it. She's currently seeing his best mate even though she said she wanted to be with Leo. But now he can't in all consciousness get with her even if he really likes her after she's been with his best friend and he knows his best friend has really deep feelings for her and he doesn't want to hurt him like that at all. It's nice to findthat some people still have old fashioned, rather caring, morals.

I hope that he finds someone soon. He deserves someone. It's funny as he used to say that he would never find anyone else but now he's slept with more people than me. Not sure how many, I never felt I was close enough to ask him, but maybe now I can!

I think he also had sex with a prostitute in Amsterdam just after we broke up. Some of his mates who hadn't yet had sex lost their virginity to prostitues as well. =S I just see sex as a loving actt, so I find it hard to imagine people sharing their bodies with anyone at any time. I've done that once and I didn't like it. In fact I was going for the relationship, whereas the guy just wanted sex. =S Oh well, life changes.

Alexa
xxx

I'm so glad that my exams are now over. I can finally enjoy a book without being worried that it shall impact on my revision

I can be myself, get up when I want, do what I want and enjoy being myself.

Well....Until September and Uni, but that's another matter! Until then, I have about 3 months of nothing. Lovely.

My boyfriend is working far away at the moment, but thankfully it's only until we go away on holiday and then hopefully he'll be much closer to home. I hope.

Holiday. I can't wait. Sun, Sea and Sex.

Lets hope that the condoms do their job.

USING ONLY ONE WORD:

Where is your mobile phone?
Bed

Your significant other?
home

Your hair?
long

Your mother?
Independent

Your father?
unknown

Your favourite thing?
boyfriend

Your dream last night?
love

Your favourite drink?
Rosé

Your dream/goal?
family

What room are you in?
Bedroom.

Your hobby?
writing

Your fear?
lonliness

Where do you want to be in 6 years?
married

Where were you last night?
Here.

Something that you aren't?
tall

Muffins?
no

Wish list item?
Wii.

Last thing you did?
ebay

What are you wearing?
underwear

TV?
off

Your pets?
asleep

Friends?
elsewhere

Your life?
happy.

Your mood?
chilled

Missing someone?
many

Drinking?
no

Smoking?
No.

Your car?
None.

Something you're not wearing?
socks

Your favourite store?
waterstones

Your favourite colour?
blue

When is the last time you cried?
yesterday

Where do you go to over and over?
work

Five people who email me regularly?
yes

My favourite place to eat?
home

Favourite place I'd like to be at right now?
bed